This week has been tough. Like a cold slap in the face, I have watched myself make more mistakes than I want to admit. My mouth is my own worst enemy. I know the person I want to be... Kind, sensitive, listening, of few words, wise, sympathetic, slow to speak, always uplifting, encouraging and well, quiet. I am not willing to say that I am not that person, but I have fallen short of my mark most moments of every day. Just the other week, I had thought that I had grown, but now I feel like my growth isn't stagnate but that I have back slid.
I find myself talking even when I don't know what I am saying. It is like I have to talk when I feel awkward, which only makes me feel more awkward. I can't handle silence so I try to fill it... usually resulting in me saying things that I regret. I offer advice, throw out opinions or slander those I care about.
Blogging is a beautiful outlet for me. It gives me the opportunity to think before I communicate. To read and reread my thoughts before I put them out there for others to see. I wish that my everyday communication was more like that. That my words would reflect who I want to be and not the result of me trying to meet my own trivial needs. Somehow I need to no longer be in a state of arrested development. I need to become comfortable with awkward silence, listen first and foremost and never say anything that could hurt. Oh that I could grow past this.
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