Same Story. Same Pain... Different Outcome. Stronger Repellant.

    Today I saw some pictures that reminded me of family favoritism. It amazes me that even today, I'm thirty and my husband is 33, I see the same dynamics in our families as we experienced growing up. The strange part is that now the favoritism is bleeding into our children. As much as it hurts to see, from years of pain, I have come to the point where I can say "C'est la vie... their loss."

    It is hard to explain favoritism to someone unless they have been on the unfavored side. I have found very few people who truly understand the dynamic.  I can't tell you how relieving it is when I am around someone who not only understands, but actually sees it without me having to explain (those friends are very close indeed). I have also found that the favored one's blame it all on perspective. Having not received the "unfavor," their eyes don't even pick up the subtleness of favoritism. I used to be angry at them for not seeing it. Now I count them blessed.

    Thankfully, I married someone who knows well the "joys" of the unfavored side and can support me. Sadly, it also means that I walked from one family of pain and rejection into another. The wounds, just healing from years of my own walk on the outside, have been violently gashed open, then subtly picked at and salted.

     But as the wounds scab over and the healing process continues I watch as the same people who have favored our siblings over us inadvertently favor their kids over ours. It is small things, ones I pray our children never pick up. I pray that their eyes are blind to these subtle behaviors because they have not been opened by my own favoritism. As I parent, I am ever aware of my heart, my frustrations and behaviors. I do not seek to be fair or even, but instead to love each one whole heartedly for who they are.     To take joy in their differences, embrace their unique gifts and gently mold their quirky weaknesses. Are there days where I am closer to one than the others? Yes, but I take it in stride knowing that by tomorrow, that same difficult child will be the one helping me as I grin and bear the quirks of another. My heart's desire is that they are oblivious to favoritism because they are so secure in my husband's and my love for them, that the nuances of the moment are just that... momentary - not something that affects their core. 

    So, as I see those subtle behaviors, I take a deep breath. I look at my children. And I remember, that I am here. I get to be with them. I get to watch their differences, I get to experience their unique gifts and I am bound to deal with their quirky weaknesses at all moments. In ending the cycle, I find healing from my wounds. In healing, I find strength. And in strength, I am less easily wounded. Ending the cycle gives hope, and hope is my repellant.

A Thousands Words - Otherwise Known as My Therapy Session

It started soon after the birth of my firstborn. After he fell asleep, I would steal into the office, slump into the uncomfortable chair a watch the screen saver - pictures of our little baby. My husband would walk in minutes later and find himself mesmerized as well. Sometimes we would sit there for 20 or more minutes. And as we sat there, the weight of the day would begin to melt away, our hearts would begin to mend, and we would remember what was important and actually kind of like our little boy.
See, in the craziness of they day, between the loads of laundry, dishes, feedings, changings, bills, yard work, projects, crying and whatever else went on, it was easy to loose sight of what mattered. It didn't help that I was averaging 4 hours of sleep total, usually in 30 minute intervals, a day, breastfeeding on average 9  hours a day and dealing with a kid that wouldn't sleep. Let's just say I wasn't to thrilled with my bundle of joy by the time I was ready for bed.
But some how, looking at the pictures was like salve on my wounds. And afterwords, I was ready to face another sleepless night. Five years, and two kids later, and it still works. The tasks have only increased, but somehow, the effect is the same. Seeing their smiles, their scrunchy noses or the playful poses reminds me of how unique, precious and amazing they are. And most important, that they are worth every bit of stress, exhaustion, and frustration.
So, I thought I would share some of my therapy with you... in a thousand words...

Life is Real- Chocolate Chip Cookies Make it Better

My kitchen floor is covered in brown spots, I have a mat in the laundry because a child pooped on it, the kitchen sink has dishes from breakfast and last night, and I have a laundry list of things to do, so when I ask my daughter what she wants to do today and she says, "make cookies," of course that is exactly what we did. We baked cookies.
You see life never stops. I have spent too much time looking around the bend, saying next week will be easier, next month won't be so busy or next year I'll be able to do that, and well it hasn't happened. Life just seems to fill up quicker than I can... well fill up. Finding time to eat is almost impossible. Finding moment's of rest or time to recharge are few and far between. So, there are time's that I need that quick pick me up. Something that feels good, that cheers up my spirit and fuels me to go on. What could possibly be better than a chocolate chip cookie to do just that?
"Ooh,  ooh, pick me. Pick me! I know!" How about cookies that taste like heaven and are actually healthy. It is not possible they say. I say it is!

You see I am a snob... a food snob. When I make things, I usually have a long lists of must and must nots that every recipe is scrutinized by before I will even consider making it. For instance, with cookies, I want them to be low sugar, low fat, whole grain, soft and chewy and well... I still want them to taste good. As if the list wasn't hard enough to accomplish, now that we reduced our intake of eggs and dairy, I am even more limited. To my absolute surprise... and I really mean absolute surprise, because I usually end up giving up or just making it up as I go, I actually found a recipe that met most of those. Ok, so I'm not perfect. I still totally tweaked it to make it fit our needs. But the concept is still there. And in my opinion the result is even better.  Cookies that you can drop everything to bake, because when are doing all the stuff you should have been doing, grabbing one of these baby's to help you get through it all will be worth it. And yes, after trying to bake cookies with a one year old and a three year old, that is exactly what I needed. A little pick me up as I swept the floor for the third time and watched my daughter eat spoonfuls of baking soda. Good times - real life. 

But the smiles she gave while eating them... even better than the cookies.

Oh, and by the way. Family secret- double the batch and throw half in the freezer. Then you will have tasty pick me ups even when you can't drop it all and bake these cookies.

My Helper

Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies 

1/4 cup coconut oil, melted
1/4 + 3 Table spoons apple sauce
1/3 cup honey
1 Tbs Vanilla Extract
1 cup whole wheat flour ( I like white whole wheat)
2 Tbs ground flax seeds
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 cup rolled oats
1/3 cup chocolate chips





Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine wet ingredients in a bowl. Add flour, flax, cinnamon, salt, and soda and stir just until combined. Fold in oats and chocolate chips. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto a cookie sheet (I bake mine on a baking mat) and press down slightly. Bake for approximately 12 minutes or until they look firm and the edges begin to brown. Cool on a wire rack.

Comfort food without the guilt

Have you ever noticed that all comfort food is really... really... REALLY bad for you! Let's just name a few: macaroni and cheese, baked potato soup, fried chicken, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, apple pie and one of my favorites, broccoli soup. Every one of these is loaded with either sugar, fat or processed flours. Thus the reason we so often feel heavy with calories and guilt after eating them.
The funny thing, is that a lot of the comfort foods start out with healthy ingredients. So why is it that pasta with a sprinkle of cheese, grilled chicken, lean beef, baked potatoes, an apple, or steamed broccoli aren't comforting? Is is possible that at the true comfort foods are sugar, fat and processed food? I don't know many people that would feel comforted if I set a cube of fat and sugar on their plate when they were blue and would think "yeah for me".
So now the question that has to be asked, is how do we put the "food" back into comfort food. I've been struggling with this lately as I have been craving broccoli soup.
I used to not like broccoli, till I learned how good it was for you, and forced myself to like it. Now I have learned to actually enjoy it, in certain contexts. My favorite is broccoli soup. I used to think that I did a pretty good job of making it too... with lower fat milk and well ok... I put a cup of cheese in it. There isn't any way that it was good for me. But it was sooo good, and as I ate it, it made me happy. It truly was comforting.
But now, as we have tried to change our food choices to less animal proteins I look at my once favorite soup as a trap. How was I to fulfill my craving for creamy goodness  with something that actually had goodness in it?
My first attempt was so terrible that I actually sent it home with my in-laws (God bless them, they will eat anything). I had tried to recreate the soup's creaminess with pureed cashews and the result felt nutty, chalky and heavy. So it was back to the drawing board.
Actually, I had put the whole thing on the back burner, and stumbled across my broccoli soup fulfillment on complete accident. After buying a beautiful  cauliflower, some broccoli and leeks at my local farmer's market I realized that I had no idea how I was going to use them. At first I planned on a casserole, but when I realized that I would need the oven to bake my bread, a soup was the next best thing. So, with a fridge full of vegetables and a stiff upper lip (I haven't been the most successful lately so I had to put on my brave face), I began to create.
Oh, so glad I did. The soup was amazing. Comforting and creamy, full of broccoli flavor but without the weighed down feeling... Oh, maybe that's because there isn't a single thing in it that could remotely cause guilt. YES, I did it. I made comfort food that made me feel light as a feather, yet surprisingly grounded at the same time. Ha... sounds like I am talking about a recreational drug not soup. But then again. Comfort food is just that- recreational drugs we use to lift our spirits and ground us at the same time. And if by chance you become addicted to this soup, don't feel guilty. It's good for you.

Broccoli Leek Soup

1 Large Leek, thinly sliced (onions would work if you don't have any leeks)
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 small head broccoli, chopped
1/2 a small cauliflower, chopped
5 small potatoes, cut in bite size pieces
3 stalks celery, thinly sliced
2 tsp vegetable bullion
1 tsp oil
Water
Salt and pepper to taste

In a large pot, sauté leeks and celery until tender. Add garlic cook till fragrant. Toss in broccoli, cauliflower, and potatoes. Fill the pan with water until vegetables are just covered. Cook until the broccoli and cauliflower begin to fall apart when stirred.  Add vegetable bullion and stir. Place 1/3 of soup in a blender and blend till smooth, then return to pot. Stir together and add fresh ground black pepper and salt to taste.

Crusty Artisan Style Whole Wheat Bread (That even a kid could make)

If I told you that you could make bread that tasted better than the store would you try it?  What if I told you that it would be easier to make than to go to the store and buy? Now are you interested? 
As a mother of three children, I have learned that somethings are worth the extra effort, other's not so much. For instance, homemade bread. Ton's of effort... not worth it, or so I thought. This recipe forever changed my view of bread. It's simplicity and ease makes it actually easier than going to the store to buy bread. I know what you are thinking. Wasn't this the same person who just a month ago was spouting off about how the extra money was worth just buying the bread rather than the sore aching arms she had to deal with after her first loaf?
Well, the sad news is, that it was me. The good news is that I didn't give up and stumbled across the most amazing, easy, tasty bread. After reading about Jim Lahey's technique in the New  from Sullivan Street Bakery I played around a bit and simplified it even more. Sorry Jim, I think this recipe may have just put a whole lot of baker's job's on the line. 


Just like the pizza dough, the key to this bread is the slow rise. With hardly any yeast, and my favorite no sugar, dairy or other strange ingredients that go into bread, you really get to enjoy the flavor of the wheat. Even better is the crispy crackly crust. Yes, all three C's are in this one. The first time I pulled it out of the oven, I squeezed it and listened to the "symphony of crackle".


Slow-Rise Whole Grain Bread
   (adapted from Jim Lahey's recipe)

3 cups Whole Wheat Flour ( I used TJ's White Whole Wheat)
1/4 tsp heaping regular yeast
1 1/4 tsp salt
1 3/4 cups ( I used more like 2 cups) luke warm water

Pour warm water in a bowl and sprinkle with yeast to proof. Then mix flour and salt in and stir. The dough should resemble a wet/drop biscuit dough so you may need to add more water (The whole wheat flour requires more water than regular flour). Cover bowl and let sit 12-18 hours. Pour into a greased baking dish (I used a round corningware casserole with olive oil but a heavy cast iron pan is preferred).  Let rise 1-2 hours. Bake 450 for 30 minutes covered and 15-30 minutes uncovered (takes longer depending on how moist the dough was). The bread is done when it sounds hollow when tapped. Cool on a wire rack. 


That's it! Give it a try. Last week I added some roasted garlic and rosemary right before putting int the baking dish. It was delicious. 

Whole Wheat Pizza Dough (Slow Rise)

Last summer, my brother introduced me to the wonders of grilled pizzas. It is sooo good, but as I made the pizzas more, I began to feel guilty for buying dough that "should be easy" to make. Ha... ha...hmm. But remember, I am the one with the yeast phobia. I even compared working with yeast to a game of Russian Roulette with all chambers but one loaded.
Well, I have since grown past my fear of yeast, and have in the process, learned to even respect it. It has not been without a fight, but, the results have been worth it, and I am glad I persevered.
This pizza dough has been a victory I have cherished. The two keys to this dough, are that it is a slow rise, which gives the yeast more time to do it's magic and I used a white whole wheat flour which is less dense and lighter in flavor. Just incase you didn't catch that, because it is a slow rise, it will taste better if it is given at least a day before using. It will still work the same day, but the taste is better when the yeast has time to break down the glutens.  So, without further rambling...

Whole Wheat Pizza Dough 
(adapted from the Fresh Loaf)

5 cups white whole wheat flour ( I get mine from Trader Joe's)
1 1/2 Tbs Honey
2 tsp Salt
1 3/4 yeast
2 1/2 Tbs  olive oil
2 to 2 1/4 cups warm water

Pour water and honey into large bowl. Stir till honey is devolved. Sprinkle yeast over water mixture and let stand for 3-5 minutes (if the yeast has not started to grow or get frothy, then it is no longer active, and you will need new yeast). Add remaining ingredients and stir vigorously until well combined. Let set for 5 minutes and then stir again for another 3-5 minutes (I just used my hand) . You may need to add more water or flour, the dough should be wet, but not stick to the sides of the bowl. The dough makes four 10 inch pizzas or two larger ones (not sure how big, because I haven't tried it yet).

There are three options here...

1. Let sit and rise for an hour and then use.
2. Divide and place in oiled ziplock bags in the fridge for 1-3 days before use. Just remove from fridge and allow to warm to room temperature for 1-2 hours before using.
3. Divide and place in oiled ziplock bags in the freezer. Just place in the fridge the night before and then remove from fridge to allow to warm to room temperature for 1-2 hours before baking.

Changing it up without feeling short changed.

My husband came home two weeks ago, and sometime in the six minutes between him walking through the door and falling asleep, he announced that he wanted us to eliminate meat and dairy from our diet.

Ok, let me give you a little background. My husband is English... and American. Born in Scotland and raised here in the US, his tastes have defiantly been influenced by one thing - MEAT. Our table revolves around it. When I choose a menu, it is entirely chosen based on what type of meat we will be having. On top of that, he drinks at least a gallon of milk a week. I never thought I would hear my husband say we should cut meat out of our diet.
Ok, I am making our diet sound terrible. All things considered, I thought we ate pretty well. I prepared at least 80 percent of our diet from non processed foods and was very carful to make sure we ate whole grains, low sugar, and fruits and vegetables. I've even had people look at me like I was extreme for serving low sugar, whole grain carrot cake cupcakes for my kid's birthdays.
Yet, in the time it took my husband to fall asleep, I was already on board. Truthfully I think I jumped on bored mostly because I was bored with my menus and looked forward to the challenge of something new. I also wasn't expecting it to last more than a week. I mean... give up dairy, eggs and meat? Really? My husband wouldn't last a week... so I thought.
It has been two weeks now, and we have had lots of time to talk it over, think about it and really decide what is best for our family. No, we are not vegan. We are not eliminating all animal products. I don't refuse to eat honey because some poor bee had to work up a sweat to make it. Instead we are choosing to embrace a whole food, plant based diet. That means that the majority of our nutrition comes from plant sources, and preferably in their whole form. Our goal is to drastically reduce the amount of animal products we consume, but not eliminate them entirely (we don't want to be the one's at the party where we can't eat anything, but rather were are choosing to just not consume it at home as often). To eat in a way that we love what we eat and don't feel like we are missing anything. Because we all know that if we feel like we are missing anything then that would be a diet... and we all know how long those last.
So what does this look like? I'll let you know when I figure it out. Ha! Let's be real. This is a huge process, that is going to take years for me to work through as I completely revamp my entire recipe repertoire (A very extensive one). To make the whole thing a bit more complicated, I have three children under the ages of 5 that I have to somehow feed. Oh, I can't wait for my one year old to get some molars... that will make everything a bit easier.
So, as I figure it out, practice and succeed (sometimes) my hope is to share what I have learned along the way.