Freeing myself to be me

       I'm a verbal processer. I'm a mental processer… I'm an over processer. Yet I find that the way I process best is by writing. Oddly enough, that is the way I process the least. There is something about writing it out that forces me to truly work through things rather than vent. Somehow the act of writing pushes me through the tidal waves of emotions that I am riding on into the heart of why I am hurting. I believe it forces my brain to slow down as well, and in doing so, I begin to hear the still quiet voice guiding me through. I need to do it more.
      Along those lines, I've been struggling with the concept of blogging and posting lately. In fact I've pretty much stopped doing it because I've wondered what is at the core of why someone would have the need to post something for the world to see, though in reality few do. What is it with our society's need to put ourselves out there? But more importantly, what is my need? Why have I had such a strong desire to tell the world my thoughts?
     I've been mulling over and trying to process this for months. As I've processed, I've pulled away from social media almost completely. Yet, I've gotten no where. No answers. Then, I finally started writing and that is when I realized what my need is: VALUE.
    I don't know if it is true for everyone, but I put myself out into the internet void because I long to have a sense of value. Whether that value comes from knowing that someone else is reading my thoughts or that maybe my thoughts could help someone.
   I still have a mammoth amount of processing to do around my need for value, and that will come in time. But in writing this, I have realized that I am ready for a change. I need to write. I love to write. My reason for writing isn't for others… it shouldn't be for value… it should be for me. Because I am a better person when I write. God uses writing to do things in my heart, that he doesn't do in other ways. Writing is a part of me. Whether people read it or not, or if it helps people or not does not change my value. But I do have the opportunity to be me, and in writing, a better version of me.
    So I free myself to let go. To throw my thoughts into the void. To process away whether big or small. To be me. (Oh, and to save my family from having to be present for my over abundant verbal processing).