The other day, I coerced my husband into enter a grilling contest. He had received 2nd place the previous year and I was determined to show his (my) skills off again this year. I spent hours going over marinade options, took all three kids to the store to purchase the meat (not an easy task) and carefully created the perfect "brew" for my tri-tip. I also turned the meat every two hours to ensure thorough marination and on the day of the bbq, I was the one that put everything together so we were ready. Then I looked at my husband and said, " don't screw it up". Ok, I didn't really say that, but I thought it.
The contest, held at our church's annual memorial day picnic, wasn't complicated, and only a few people entered. We got to the park early, I was hungry to compete. My husband was not. Over the course of the next two hours, I spent more time moaning, groaning, humming and ha-ing over how my husband was cooking the meat. "Babe, don't you think you should start the meat?" "Is the grill hot enough?" "Did you turn it to soon?" "Let it rest longer." "You're cutting it to thick." "Those pieces are to big." "Why haven't you covered it?"
My poor husband, he didn't even want to participate in the contest in the first place, and here he was, being micro managed, nit-picked and criticized instead of hanging with the guys or playing with the kids. After the picnic was over, I began to ponder what happened. Had I ever really given him control? Was it really about him? Why had I even asked him to grill the meat? Then, the thoughts went deeper. Is this how I am with God? Have I ever really given him control? Do I sit there and nit-pick how he does things? Do I try to micro-manage my own life? How many times have I told God that I want to do something, ask Him to accomplish it for me and then sit there and complain about how it isn't going the way I want it to. Do I tell Him that He is doing it wrong? Do I even give control over to Him so that He can do it?
Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 6 Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take (NLT)." The Message put it this way, " Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! (vs. 5-7)"
Why do I fear letting go so deeply. I have this reoccurring nightmare that haunts me. I find myself thrown into a moving van, and I am expected to drive the van from the back seat. We are talking about a fifteen passenger van and I'm steering from the fourth or fifth row. As I careen through traffic I desperately try to make it to the front of the car so I can see what I am doing and not get myself killed. I usually wake up in a panic right before I crash into something. When I don't trust God and follow Him, am I trying to steer my life from the back seat? Or worse, am I telling God that I trust his driving and then tell him that he is going to fast, or that he is going the wrong way? Is it even possible to navigate through life with such a limited view? What does it mean to actually trust someone enough to let go and not be a back seat driver?
In order to put my trust in someone, I have to decide who I want to be in control. I have to decide if I want my husband to be in control of the meat or myself. If I am the one doing all the prep for the meat, I should just be the one to grill it, I shouldn't ask someone else to do what I want to do. If I do decide that I want my husband to do it, that means handing over the whole task, and only doing what I've been asked. I must follow his leadership even if I disagree because he is the one in control.
With God, I have to decide who I want to be in control of my life. The one who knows everything, understands everything and loves me, or myself, the one with in the back seat who can't see much through all the seats, head rests and pillows (because there are always pillows in my way, don't ask). I must stop assuming I know all, stop trying to figure things out on my own, and let Him be the one who keeps me on track. All with my mouth closed, after all if I truly trusted, would I have anything to say?
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