Taking My Nose off the Grindstone

You ever have one of those friends that without any hesitation can say the one thing that hits you right between the eyes and convicts you of something you didn't even see at all? I do. And I am so glad I do.

I've been struggling lately. I have been dealing with a full plate to Thanksgiving sized proportions. Well at least by my standards. I am currently trying to balance homeschooling a difficult learner, an eager to learn preschooler and a potty training toddler with a larger house, chickens, an active puppy, a garden, a strongly plant based diet and a husband that is working an erratic schedule including over time. You throw on top of that my desire to avoid processed foods and a back yard remodel among a bunch of other things that aren't even worth mentioning, and I am honestly just plain swamped.

But this post is not meant to be me just complaining about my woes. Instead this is about my struggles. You see I've been struggling with an important relationship lately. My love hasn't changed, they haven't changed, but by the time I get in bed at night, I suddenly remember they are there.  And it is in that moment, I realized what I've missed all day: intimacy. And so night after night, as I crawled into bed completely wiped from the day's adventures and drudgery I would remember what was missing the entire day, only to repeat it the next day.

You see my relationship with my LORD is similar to a marriage. I had been getting up with the full knowledge that he was there, the ring was on my finger, and I didn't forget to check in occasionally and make sure he was still there, but we had become roommates not lovers. The coals of love were growing cold, choked out by the day's gargantuan proportion of things that needed to be done. And so it has been for the last couple of months. Deep down, I knew I was supposed to spend time with God and invest in our relationship, but I was at a loss as to how I was supposed to find time. What was I supposed to cut out??? Wasn't I doing what I was supposed to?? Hadn't He been the one who led me to homeschool? Hadn't He led me into a lifestyle that was being a good steward of both my body, my children and my world??? Wasn't it a good thing to eat healthy??? Wasn't I supposed to care for the creatures he had given me? Then how am I supposed to do it all??? And so I kept on plugging along knowing that something wasn't right, but at a loss as to how to change. Finding myself feeling like I was spinning in a hamster wheel instead of growing and making progress. And it was here, that God met me.

And this is what He said:
You've got your nose on the grindstone... you think that is where it is supposed to be, but it isn't . When things are tough, keeping your nose there and plodding through isn't going to help. It isn't faith. It is avoidance. You are looking at the grindstone with your head down to avoid looking at all you have to do or the struggles thinking you are plodding along in faith but that is when you find yourself in the hamster wheel... you aren't keeping your eye's on the right thing. Faith isn't about not looking at your troubles: it is about looking at your creator. I'm up here. Keep looking up while you plod along and we can be together. You will progress and grow. Look down at the grindstone and you end up in the hamster wheel. Look at the troubles and you halt to a stop. Get your eye's off your feet, don't look ahead, but look up at me! 

And there it is. Clarity. I thought I was living in faith. I thought I was doing the right thing by plodding along with what I thought God wanted from me. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping on even when it felt impossible. I thought I was supposed to keep my nose to the grindstone. But I wasn't. Not because of my actions, but because of my focus.

It isn't easy. I still find myself going for long periods of the day just checking things off my to do list. But I have noticed that when I am giving God my attention, the mundane feels less mundane, the list feels more doable, and the struggles don't beat me down as much. The burden is lighter when I am looking to God, I no longer feel alone as I wade through the dirty drudgery of wiping bottoms, cleaning chicken poop off my floor or cleaning the dishes yet again. And in those moments, I find joy.

Raspberry Coconut Squares

I do my best creating on the fly. You know, when I have people coming over in an hour and I haven't planned anything let alone know if there is even anything in my cupboards. Oh, and the house needed tidying and dinner had to be made still. Or when my husband tells me at 10 o'clock at night that tomorrow is a potluck at work.  Or my favorite, when my husband calls and says that he is bringing over four coworkers, who will be hungry and to whip together some dessert or snacky stuff and I'm still in my pajamas and there is dirt three weeks thick everywhere. Yeah... that kind of fly.

Thankfully that is usually when I rise to the occasion. A skill I have gained from watching my sister in the kitchen. She can make something out of nothing taste like it's off a five star restaurant menu. That girl has mad skills.

Last night was one of those times that I needed to fly... or at least create something on the fly. We had friends coming over in an hour and we had been out shopping all day - with THREE KIDS! Dessert was a must, and I had no idea what to make. That's when I stumbled on this recipe that I had printed off ages ago, and went to work. Of course it wasn't going to work for me the way it was. I didn't have the quick oats required, I'm allergic to dairy, I didn't have time to make the blueberries and well, I'm a sucker for coconut.

Thankfully I did have my trusty all time favorite substitute: coconut oil (yep, I love coconut), a jar of organic raspberry preserves and some regular oats, so I went to work. I had also remembered that last time I made a similar style bar, there was not enough topping, so I tweaked the ratios as well. Yea, I can't leave anything alone.

And yes, the pressure was on too. Right after I popped these in the oven, my husband took the chicken out of the fridge to prepare it for the grill, only to find that our entire package of organic chicken had gone bad. WAY BAD! Yeah for the sausages I happened to throw in the cart even though they weren't on my list. We still had dinner, but I really wanted these bars to turn out to resurrect the whole thing.

And oh did they. They are my new favorite!!! Chewy, soft, crumbly, sweet, slightly tart, coconut amazingness all wrapped up in a nice square. And did I mention that they are refined sugar free, dairy free, and made with whole grains?

Raspberry Coconut Squares
Makes as many as you want out of a 9x13 pan.

3 cups Oats
1 1/2 Whole Wheat Pastry Flour
3/4 cup plus 1/4 cup Unsweetened shredded coconut
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1 cup Sugar (I used 3/4 cup coconut sugar and 1/4 cup turbinado)
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup coconut cream
3/4 cup-1 cup Raspberry preserves

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a 9x13 pan (I used coconut oil). Place oats in a blender or food processor and process till coarsely chopped but not fine as flour. Pour into large bowl and combine with flour, salt, baking soda, sugar and 3/4 cup coconut. Cut in coconut oil and cream until it resembles a fine crumb (feel free to add more coconut cream if needed or desired to get a nice crumb). Press 2/3 of crumb mixture into the pan and press down. Pour preserves over the top and spread evenly (use more preserves if you want a thicker raspberry layer and less if you want to keep it lighter). Then crumble remaining crumb mixture over the top and sprinkle with 1/4 cup of coconut. Bake for approximately 40 minutes and let cool before cutting and serving.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did, am and will. Yes, I am eating one as I type this. I've earned it, I'm working hard.

The Loved Adulteress

I was asked to give my testimony this week, and after struggling to put into words my love story with my savior, this is what finally came out.

The Loved Adulteress

At the age of three I was marked

For His kingdom- the daughter of the king

In my heart, the Spirit sparked

And I responded to His call with bended knee

Within He placed a heart for song

And the desire to praise my King

Life was hard yet still I clung

To the One who had set me free

But one day the pain went deep

And fear through my heart did seep

And although His praises were on my tongue

In my heart to other’s I sung

I was looking for value and love

In those around – in man

You see I am the adulterous woman

When even though she had loves embrace

Chose to look into another’s face

Yet He stood by, faithful and true

Waiting for me to see His gentle clue

That my value is in Him alone

And no matter where I looked

I was left feeling empty and alone

Despite ever growing fear,

He gently whispered in my ear

“Come my daughter, I am right here”

So I responded again to His call

As deep calls to deep, my spirit lives

And in Him I know there is truth

That He is mine and I am His

The struggles have not left me yet

Still I get confused and my eyes fall

But when I quiet my soul

There is His gentle voice, calling me

Our story is of love so deep and true

That it has withstood the test

Of one who is unfaithful at best

But it is not over by far

Because it is by His grace I am here at all.