You ever have one of those friends that without any hesitation can say the one thing that hits you right between the eyes and convicts you of something you didn't even see at all? I do. And I am so glad I do.
I've been struggling lately. I have been dealing with a full plate to Thanksgiving sized proportions. Well at least by my standards. I am currently trying to balance homeschooling a difficult learner, an eager to learn preschooler and a potty training toddler with a larger house, chickens, an active puppy, a garden, a strongly plant based diet and a husband that is working an erratic schedule including over time. You throw on top of that my desire to avoid processed foods and a back yard remodel among a bunch of other things that aren't even worth mentioning, and I am honestly just plain swamped.
But this post is not meant to be me just complaining about my woes. Instead this is about my struggles. You see I've been struggling with an important relationship lately. My love hasn't changed, they haven't changed, but by the time I get in bed at night, I suddenly remember they are there. And it is in that moment, I realized what I've missed all day: intimacy. And so night after night, as I crawled into bed completely wiped from the day's adventures and drudgery I would remember what was missing the entire day, only to repeat it the next day.
You see my relationship with my LORD is similar to a marriage. I had been getting up with the full knowledge that he was there, the ring was on my finger, and I didn't forget to check in occasionally and make sure he was still there, but we had become roommates not lovers. The coals of love were growing cold, choked out by the day's gargantuan proportion of things that needed to be done. And so it has been for the last couple of months. Deep down, I knew I was supposed to spend time with God and invest in our relationship, but I was at a loss as to how I was supposed to find time. What was I supposed to cut out??? Wasn't I doing what I was supposed to?? Hadn't He been the one who led me to homeschool? Hadn't He led me into a lifestyle that was being a good steward of both my body, my children and my world??? Wasn't it a good thing to eat healthy??? Wasn't I supposed to care for the creatures he had given me? Then how am I supposed to do it all??? And so I kept on plugging along knowing that something wasn't right, but at a loss as to how to change. Finding myself feeling like I was spinning in a hamster wheel instead of growing and making progress. And it was here, that God met me.
And this is what He said:
You've got your nose on the grindstone... you think that is where it is supposed to be, but it isn't . When things are tough, keeping your nose there and plodding through isn't going to help. It isn't faith. It is avoidance. You are looking at the grindstone with your head down to avoid looking at all you have to do or the struggles thinking you are plodding along in faith but that is when you find yourself in the hamster wheel... you aren't keeping your eye's on the right thing. Faith isn't about not looking at your troubles: it is about looking at your creator. I'm up here. Keep looking up while you plod along and we can be together. You will progress and grow. Look down at the grindstone and you end up in the hamster wheel. Look at the troubles and you halt to a stop. Get your eye's off your feet, don't look ahead, but look up at me!
And there it is. Clarity. I thought I was living in faith. I thought I was doing the right thing by plodding along with what I thought God wanted from me. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping on even when it felt impossible. I thought I was supposed to keep my nose to the grindstone. But I wasn't. Not because of my actions, but because of my focus.
It isn't easy. I still find myself going for long periods of the day just checking things off my to do list. But I have noticed that when I am giving God my attention, the mundane feels less mundane, the list feels more doable, and the struggles don't beat me down as much. The burden is lighter when I am looking to God, I no longer feel alone as I wade through the dirty drudgery of wiping bottoms, cleaning chicken poop off my floor or cleaning the dishes yet again. And in those moments, I find joy.
