Letting go, without throwing in the towel

Be still....
Let Go...
Relax...
Accept...


Everywhere I turn, I hear it this week. Yet, I'm still fighting. I don't remember the last time I let go. My mind has been on hyperdrive since October... then again, I've also had a sinus infection off and on ( more on than off) since then, had a one year birthday, 30th birthday, Thanksgiving, burned hands, Christmas (all 4 celebrations), a 3 year birthday and all that goes between since then.

My mind has been in two states during this season- racing or a deep fog. Neither is still, peaceful, relaxed or accepting. My body has followed my head. Even when lying slack on the floor, a part of me is still fighting. But what? What is it that I am holding onto, why can't I stop and enjoy the kisses of my child? Why do I turn from my husband's embrace? What is it that is more important than those things? What is it that pulls me from worshiping, the only thing I do that truly fills my soul? What are these tethers that have bound me to this frenzied state?

As I fight these tethers, the feeling of waves crashing over me is overwhelming. Each time I feel I'm on top of it, I still feel like I'm gasping for air. As the kids pelt me with questions, whining, begging, and attention grabbing behaviors, I feel myself gasping. Yet, it is not them that I'm fighting.


Deep Breath...

My life is manageable right now. We are blessed with a stability that not many have.  But the waves still crash. What are the waves?

They are not my life, they are my emotions. Depression. Sense of being overwhelmed. Lack of a sense of accomplishment. Feeling like there is no end to the monotony, that I'll never be on top of what needs to be done. Always feeling like there is more to do... to say. Knowing that no matter how hard I try... I will fail. My kids will still need therapy... that I won't be able to do it all... that inevitably I will still hurt those I love, say something I shouldn't, forget what I am supposed to remember... or that I will be so focused on surviving my own world, that I will miss what is happening around me... or worse, that I won't be able to be who I need to be for those who need me...... Sometimes the waves are so overwhelming, I want to just give in or up, as I slump to the floor in exhaustion gasping.

Emotions, feelings, fears. Things that come and go. Things that appear very real, yet... somehow I feel like they are more like vague shadows that I swat at, but like a shadow they follow me. In my hurried pace of chasing, driving, feeding, bathing, parenting, loving, living, I can navigate without seeing the shadows, yet they are still there. I can run from them, but they follow.
I am reminded of Peter Pan... when he lost his shadow... Why would he want it back. To live a life without shadows. But can one loose one's shadows... are they not something that follow you no matter what?


Be still...
I am the light of the world....
In me there is no darkness...
Bask in the light....

I hear it. In absolute light there are no shadows. Ignoring them, swatting at them, running from them does not illuminate them.


Be still...
Relax...
Let go...

In his presence, basking in his love, enjoying his peace... rejoicing in who he is, accepting who he is, and what he has for me. Knowing who I am, only by knowing who he is- Only here can I have no shadows.

Like a catch 22, it is those very shadows that keep me from doing what I need to do to live without those same shadows- they keep me from basking. My hurried life, my chaos of kids, house and responsibility are just things that I fill my time with so I can run and hide from the shadows. But it also gets in the way of what I need to do.

Be still... 
Relax...
Let Go....
Know that I am God...


Only in his presence can I find rest.

Penny Saved Penny Earned?

Today I learned an important lesson. Somethings are just worth the 70% markup.
Ok, so today I decided to dabble a bit in the cooking arts. Just a little harmless flirtation with some pretty heavy items.

First, I baked bread. Ok, so this doesn't sound like a big deal. But you have to understand. Yeast  FREAKS me out. Until two months ago, I wouldn't even have the stuff in my house. I view yeast as a bad game of Russian Roulette, where all the barrels but one are loaded. I mean, when bread goes wrong... well it can really go wrong. I have lived in fear of the odd smelling growing stuff since I can remember. But, Sticky gooey cinnamon rolls have been beckoning me for almost ten years now. So, I gave in. I bought yeast, and after staring at it for a month, I attempted to use it. And failed. I did not give up though, and conquered the wonderful sinful mass of goodness (Best Cinnamon Rolls EVER). My confidence soared... so I decided to tackle the next thing - 100% Whole Wheat Bread. I mean come on... easy right? No way.

My problem. I want a bread that is tasty, soft, low in sugar, does not use dried milk and doesn't require a lot of  work (kneading). Apparently no one else has my ideals; I couldn't find a single recipe that sounded right, so I was forced to improvise. I did compromise and spent 10 minutes kneading my dough... the result... to be honest, I'm not that impressed. I thought eating fresh baked bread is supposed to be a nirvana like experience. Didn't do anything for me. I'll give it another try someday, but till then, I would like to say thank you to all of those bakers out there that can pull off a tasty, soft, low sugar 100% whole wheat bread. And as I rub my aching arms and hands, those few extra dollars to have it all... so worth it.

Second, when you have a fresh loaf of bread rising, why not make something to go with it right? I mean the labor intensive loaf shouldn't sit on it's own... right? No, of course it need's a labor intensive meal to go with it. So, I made Tikka Masala.... (Don't ask, my husband said curry, and my mind did the rest.)

The result was amazing. I loved it. Not as hard as I thought, pretty simple actually and the flavor... oh the flavor (I really like Indian food and don't eat it near often enough). I mean, who needs an Indian restaurant? Oh wait... what is that smell... in the cupboard... the bathroom... my bedding. My entire house smells like a bowl of Tikka Masala. Can you have authentic tasting Indian cuisine at home? Yes... should you? I'll leave that up to you. In the mean time, I will be eating out when I crave Tikka Masala and doing lots of laundry.